by Darwin Moises
S: Hi, Singlestalk. I am in a five-year relationship with Gloria. She’s intelligent and a go-getter. Relentless too, to a fault. I honestly fell out of love with her about two years ago. Since then, I hardly reply to her messages or calls; used the virus as an excuse not to see her; purposely forget our “month-saries” and anniversaries. But she’s not getting it. She is still here, drumming up her fingers until the 30th of February. How can I make her break up with me?
DJ: Wow. After several cunning attempts to strangle love in the cradle, you found out that her heart has nine lives! Now you want my help to up the ante. I’m both speechless and wanting to make a conspiratorial chuckle. You want me to help you make her dump you. What do you expect me to suggest? Odiously blow your nose with your fingers then lovingly run them through her hair? Preempt the bride and groom at a wedding reception by being first to hit the dance floor and embarrass your girlfriend, Gloria, then invite everyone to shake their body and do the conga? Or tell her kindly and respectfully that she’s wonderful, that you don’t regret having her in your life, but it’s just that the relationship is not working for you?
Dude, just do the right thing. Take accountability. It’s the only way. I’ve seen a number of people trapped in unhappy relationships because of the combination of a girl in need and a boy who avoids conflict. If you happen to be this type of guy, man up. Feeling trapped in a dating relationship is a state of mind. A person can always decide to end it. And yet many remain in unhappy relationships that range from empty to abusive. I suggest you do some self-reflection. What made you feel this way? It might not be because of Gloria but because of, for example, the lack of discipline to follow through a commitment.
When was the last time you really felt passionate about something? What would you need to improve about yourself to be the right person the next time around? Choosing the right person to love, date and eventually marry is one of the most important decisions. It’s been said that 80 percent of a person’s joy or sorrow. There’s truth to that. Whatever makes me smile or cry almost always has something to do with relationships. No matter how much effort, energy or compassion you invest, if the person is wrong for you, the relationship will not work.
Does the person require too much hand holding? How does she treat her family? What’s the value for the two of you to be together? The pandemic, plus the aftermath of the recent super typhoon, have already caused so much stress. The person you date needs may have cracks here and there but at least you both can crack each other up; not weigh each other down.
There once was a story of a guy who was so sick of his wife and wanted a divorce. He wanted to hurt her feelings as his revenge. He consulted a lawyer who advised him saying, “Be nice to her. Send her flowers. Tell her every day that you love her. Take her to your favorite restaurants. Carry her bag when she shops. Do everything in your power to show her how much you love her. Then after 30 days when she’s madly in love with you, dump her. It’ll catch her off guard and will hurt her deeply.”
The man was delighted by the suggestion and did exactly what the lawyer advised. After 30 days, the attorney called to ask if he’s ready to file the papers. The man replied, “Are you kidding me? Why would I want to divorce this wonderful woman?”
You know Steven, every day we are being told what love should look like and feel like. We see it a lot when we scroll up and down the newsfeed. The usual effect is we carry the heaviness of what was lost or remind ourselves of what we deserve. But love can look and feel differently for all of us. And from how I see it, love requires work for it to work. Try seeking not only the right person but also striving to be the right person. Then hopefully, the next time around, you won’t need to be the architect of your own separation.