Bucket list for slackers

Text: Micah Almazan
Illustration: Veronika Hipolito

THERE are two kinds of people in this world. Those who wash the dishes, dry them, and put them back; and those who wash, dry, and put them back in their dreams. The latter are quite exceptional, because they prove that success really is relative. There are a million other things they could spend their time thinking about, so the fact that they’re even considering cleaning the dishes is a feat in itself. This is how their mind works, and it’s pretty fascinating. Can you imagine what their bucket lists are like?

The typical ones on Elite Daily and Thought Catalog that passive-aggressive types love are filled with the usual #inspirational and #lifegoals activities such as taking a selfie while skydiving and possibly peeing your pants, or travelling a la Liz Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love because, gosh darn it, you just can’t find yourself. Like, OMG, how exciting and meaningful, right? But, hey, deadbeats have things they want to do before they die too, you know; and they can be wonderful and relevant in their own way as well. So, here’s a special bucket list for all you slackers. May you be moved to move. Eventually. Maybe.

1. Clean your belly button. It doesn’t matter if you’re an innie or an outie, washing it will buy you more weeks of not cleaning it, and that’s pretty practical.

2. Make your bed immediately after waking up. If no one else cares for you, care for yourself. #selflove

3. Finish re-watching all the seasons of Friends. Don’t be that douche who doesn’t finish what they started. Get on with it already.

4. Set your alarm for sunrise. At least if you don’t wake up, you can take a screenshot and post about it or something. This gives you one more thing to do on the internet.

5. Practice feminism via Facebook. Use social media to inspire others by sharing whatever Emma Watson says or does. Throw in a personal opinion if you’re feeling extra feminist.

6. Organize your memes into folders. Picture this: You have the perfect meme to send to your friend for their current situation, but you just can’t find it. And when you do finally find it, it’s just not as funny anymore. You don’t want to lose momentum, so get organizing!

7. Eat pizza and ice cream in bed. Do this simply because it’s so wrong, it’s right.

8. Be in a shampoo commercial. Well, at least pretend. You know how girls in ads look so unnaturally good while shampooing their hair? Channel your inner Jaboom twin and make people sunod your galaw!

9. Text your crush. It’s less frightening than chatting, because you don’t get the chance to be anxious over seeing “___ is typing” given they don’t ignore you. Unless it’s iMessage and you see the three dots. Turn off your iMessage!

10. Make a bucket list for slackers to feel less alone. Build your own community of like-minded people. You’d be surprised at how enriching this experience can be.

Slacking off has never been this much fun. Add to this list by finding delight in the little things and discovering magic in the mundane. Let’s kick ass before we kick the bucket, shall we?